Copied from the Velonews forum. Now up to 41 and by the looks of things still growing. Some classics in there.
I break loads of them.
Started by Garuda
Regarding Rule 23, I do happen to possess a pair of George Hincapies overshoes.
Obey The Rules.
It is forbidden for someone familiar with the rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.
No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.
It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a ****waffle.
RULE 5: Harden the f*** up
RULE 6: Free your mind and your legs will follow.
RULE 7: Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp. Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.
RULE 8: Saddles, Bars, and Tires
Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
Black, black, black
RULE 9: If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.
It never gets easier, you just go faster.
Family does not come first. The bike does.
The minimum number of bikes one should own is three. The correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
The phrase “Gun Check” refers to an assessment of your legs and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Own your guns.
Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.
Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys, or accept that you will look like a douche.
Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.
Wearing team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it. If you must fly the colours of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
No road jerseys when riding off-road. (Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit.)
No mountain jerseys when riding on the road. (Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit.)
If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves.
If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads.
If you feel wimpy and weak, get out and train more, ya wee lassie!
Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman when the weather warrants it.
Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping. Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks). Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable après-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ‘73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a big giant douchebag.
If it’s not cold or wet and you are still wearing shoe covers because you’re a pussy, your name is probably George Hincapie.
Speeds and distances shall always be referred to and calculated in kilometers. This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.
The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car. Or at least be relatively more expensive. Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister.
There is definitely an “optimal” angle at which the pedals should be when photographing a cyclist. That angle depends on what the photo wants to say, but is probably around the 30 degree mark. Not 90 or 180.
Sock and short length should be like Golidlocks,
not too long
and not too short.
(Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.
Socks can be any damn colour you like. Black is good, but once again were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long. DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.
Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
Ditto for frame-mounted pumps. Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets. The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.
Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be neatly bundled together with a rubber band and stored in jersey pockets, or in a converted bidon in a cage on bike.
Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this.
Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on their way to a Critical Mass.
Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place. On a mountain bike.
Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. No visors on the road. If you want shade, see Rule 21.
Eyewear shall be cycling specific, i.e no Aviator shades or clip-on covers for reading glasses.
The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps. No exceptions. We don’t know why, it’s just the way it is.
You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting conditions.
You should never leave home without your eyewear; when not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet. If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 20).
Tires are to be mounted with the label centered directly over the valve stem. Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities.
Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.